Wand Golem
Medium construct, unaligned
- Armor Class 13 (natural armor)
- Hit Points 102 (12d8 + 48)
- Speed 20 ft.
STR DEX CON INT WIS CHA 17 (+3) 9 (–1) 19 (+4) 3 (–4) 9 (–1) 1 (–5)
- Damage Resistances bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from nonmagical weapons that aren't adamantine
- Damage Immunities force, poison, psychic
- Condition Immunities charmed, exhaustion, frightened, paralyzed, petrified, poisoned
- Senses darkvision 60 ft., passive Perception 9
- Languages Understands the languages of its creator but can't speak
- Challenge 5 (1800 XP)
Broken Wands. Whenever the golem suffers a critical hit or starts its turn with 40 hit points or fewer, roll 1d6. On a 6, one or more broken magic wands unleash their magic. Roll on the Wild Magic Surge table (PHB 104) to create a random magical effect.
Force Absorption. Whenever the golem is subjected to force damage, it takes no damage and instead regains a number of hit points equal to the force damage dealt.
Immutable Form. The golem is immune to any spell or effect that would alter its form.
Magic Resistance. The golem has advantage on saving throws against spells and other magical effects.
Magic Weapons. The golem's weapon attacks are magical.
Actions
Multiattack. The golem makes two slam attacks or fires four wands of fukken missiles.
Slam. Melee Weapon Attack: +6 to hit, reach 5 ft., one creature. Hit: 12 (2d8 + 3) bludgeoning damage.
Wand of Shooting Fire and Shit Everywhere. The golem shoots elemental energy in a 5 by 30 feet line. Each creature in that area must make a DC 13 Dexterity saving throw, taking 14 (4d6) fire, cold or lightning damage on a failed save, or half as much damage on a successful one.
Wand of Fukken Missiles. Ranged Spell Attack: +3 to hit, range 120 ft., one creature. Hit: 9 (2d8) force damage.
Wand of Dunno, Stuff Happens (Recharge 5-6). The golem targets a creature within 120 feet with one of the wands it's made of. Target must roll on the Wild Magic Surge table to create a random magical effect.
One of the many absurd dazzling and wondrous creations of the duo of Gnome inventors known to this day only by their artistic name, "Fukken Dwarves", a wand golem is made of an assortment of magical wands welded, stapled, glued or tied together in the duo's typical haphazard ingenious way.
Compared to other golems made of sturdier materials, these wood and ivory constructs are relatively fragile (at least by golem standards), and when heavily damaged the risk exists that some wands begin to discharge on their own, with unpredictable results. Wand golems rarely have manipulator limbs carved with exquisite detail, which makes them unfit for delicate work, and their problem-solving abilities aren't nothing to write home about either. Really, they don't make good assistants, like, at all. Truth is, wand golems are best employed guarding places that one would rather see destroyed than captured.
Wand of Dunno Stuff Happens table
| d20 | Effect |
|---|---|
| 1 | Cast fireball as a 3rd-level spell (save DC 13) centered on the target. |
| 2 | Target grows a long beard made of feathers that remains for one hour or until it sneezes, at which point the feathers explode out from its face. |
| 3 | The target and each creature within 10 feet of it has disadvantage on the next saving throw it makes in the next minute. |
| 4 | Target's skin turns a vibrant shade of blue for 24 hours. A remove curse spell can end this effect. |
| 5 | Target is transported to the Astral Plane until the end of its next turn, after which time it returns to the space it previously occupied or the nearest unoccupied space if that space is occupied. |
| 6 | 1d6 flumphs controlled by the DM appear in unoccupied spaces within 60 feet of the target and are frightened of it. They vanish after 1 minute. |
| 7 | Target casts magic missile as a 5th-level spell. |
| 8 | Target is frightened by the nearest creature until the end of its next turn. |
| 9 | Cast polymorph on the target (save DC 13); if it fails the saving throw, it turns into a sheep for the spell's duration. |
| 10 | Target teleports up to 60 feet to an unoccupied space of its choice that it can see. |
| d20 | Effect |
|---|---|
| 11 | Target's size increases by one size category for the next minute. |
| 12 | Target's size decreases by one size category for the next minute. |
| 13 | Each creature within 30 feet of target takes 1d10 necrotic damage. Target regains hit points equal to the sum of the necrotic damage dealt. |
| 14 | Each creature within 30 feet of target regains 1d4 hit points. Target takes necrotic damage equal to the sum of the hit points regained. |
| 15 | The target and each creature within 30 feet of it gain vulnerability to piercing damage for the next minute. |
| 16 | If a creature that is not a construct dies within 60 feet of the target during the next minute, it immediately comes back to life as if by the reincarnate spell. |
| 17 | Cast fog cloud as a 1st-level spell centered on the target. |
| 18 | A couatl controlled by the DM appears in a space within 5 feet of the target. It vanishes after 1 minute. |
| 19 | Cast confusion as a 4th-level spell (save DC 13) centered on the target. |
| 20 | Cast guiding bolt as a 1st-level spell (attack bonus +5) against the target. |