Homestuck Items by

# Homestuck Items
Of the many items in Homestuck, a relative few were put in this document. Many of the Homestuck items, while extremely useful in the context of Homestuck, are simply too powerful (e.g. the timetables or the Caledfwlch) or too generic beyond "powerful weapon with no other properties besides being powerful", or they already exist in Homestuck as some form of magic item. The items I have put within this document are those that I believe encapsulate Homestuck and Homestuck alone, and I have taken some liberties with items that could be given an extra kick to be magic items worth having.

#### Ahab's Crosshairs
*Weapon (crossbow), legendary (require attunement by a martial class)*

A long crossbow, dark purple and blue in design, that hums with a crackling vibrant blue energy whenever your finger gets close to its trigger. Along its foregrip and stock, an image of an enraged seahorse is engraved into the varnished wood. Every bolt you load into it immediately turns to pure blue energy, the bolt firing out with such speed and force that you can barely keep a hold on the weapon. Originally designed to hunt and kill prey big enough to eat a house whole, it is quite suited to the fleshy bodies of mere mortals.

You have a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls with this magic weapon. When you fire this weapon, all ammo it holds turns into a solid glowing blue bolt, which bursts from the weapon with massive force. All attacks with this crossbow deal an extra 2d10 lightning damage, and if the attack hits a creature, the creature must make a DC 18 Strength saving throw or be paralyzed until the end of its next turn.

In addition, three times per long rest, you may cast *lightning bolt* at 5th level from this weapon as an action, with the additional effect that any creature who fails the Dexterity saving throw is also paralyzed until the end of their next turn.

#### Barber Bomb
*Wondrous item, common*

A highly compressed container of magically enhanced shaving cream, used by people who require a *very* quick shave. As an action, you can trigger the explosive mechanism on the bomb and throw it up to 60 feet. All creatures within 10 feet of the barber bomb that are not behind total cover must make a DC 14 Dexterity saving throw or have all hair shaved instantly and painlessly off of their body, appearing in a neat pile beneath their feet. Shaped charge versions of the *barber bomb* exist which target specifically the legs, arms, face, and/or other specific parts of the body.

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#### Bodacious Black Liquid Sorrow Gush
*Wondrous item, very rare*

A pack of 2d8 + 6 hexagonal bipyramidal gummies, reflecting absolutely no light. They taste like writing ink. When you consume one as an action, you take 2d8 necrotic damage as your insides are turned into ink. If you are reduced to 0 hit points within a minute of consuming a bodacious black liquid sorrow gush, you die and are resurrected as a gazer beholder. This transformation can be reversed only by a *true resurrection* or *wish* spell.

#### Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery
*Wondrous item, artifact (requires attunement)*

A massive tome filled to the brim with the teachings and musings of the most famous trickster to ever exist, Colonel Sassacre. Within it are endless forms of japery and tomfoolery penned down by Sassacre himself that are charged with his magic, if one could even pick up the tome.

Sassacre was a legendary human rogue who took to arcane trickery as oil takes to fire. Starting off as a petty charlatan, he realized that he wasn't it for the money, but for the hilarity that he saw in getting one over on some rube. Swearing off thievery for the sake of gain, he moved onto practical "jokes", most of which were hilarious and some of which were utterly barbaric in their cruelty. He moved on to bigger and bigger fish, stringing up lords by their petards, setting up massive contraptions all for the purpose of assassinating a noble via accelerated pie so they would fall into a pile of horse feces, putting a grease puddle in the middle of a church proceeding to trip up every parishioner, and replacing the furniture in the homes of the rich with worse, off-color and asbestos-filled furniture that ruins the entire home and cuts at a noble like no guillotine ever could. With even more daring, Sassacre tricked both fiend and celestial alike into such situations as marrying one another in disguise or making a god accidentally bless a group of their most hated enemies. These acts of chaos drove Sassacre to be the enemy of many powerful forces, and it led to his permanent banishment to Limbo by the inevitables, whom he made slip on a banana peel as they brought him to trial. After several minutes of stripping Sassacre of his many, many weapons of japery, he would be kept in Limbo for good, and it is where he still remains, using the newfound matter for item creation to create more and more outlandish prank ideas. Praised as a minor god by jesters and the like, Sassacre established a standard of irreverence and even hostility to royalty that renders them immune.

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No jester or satirist or person of similar profession with the sign of Sassacre (a white mustache) is ever allowed to be harmed for their words against nobility, no matter how inflammatory. A great superstition exists that Sassacre still haunts the Prime Material plane is pushed by these people and it drives many a noble to fear that Sassacre may return in the form of one of his students. Many noblepeople who have defied this action have found their homes and lives ruined in hilarious ways relevant to their particular sins against common people.

Sassacre had the sense before his banishment to write down in his journals his methodology for every trick he ever pulled, with such rigorous attention to detail that would make the most hard-boiled detective cringe in inferiority. With such personal and dedicated note-taking, Sassacre's journal turned to a book, then a series, then a tome, then a doorstop, and finally an object so heavy with ink and paper that just attempting to hold it requires you to have at least a Strength of 18. Any creature of lesser strength slips and falls in place with a dramatic slipping sound, Sassacre's own voice laughing at them. With such passion put forth in his work, Sassacre's book has attained a limited life of its own, spurred on by his creative genius. The tome was sealed away by Sassacre before his trial, and none yet have found its resting place. It is prophesied that the book will reappear when it is most humorous to do so.

**Random Properties.** Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery has the following random properties:

- 1 major beneficial property
- 1 minor beneficial property 
- 1 major detrimental property 
- 1 minor detrimental property

**Biting Commentary.** Twice per long rest as a reaction to a creature within 60 feet of you making an attack roll, ability check, or saving throw, you may force a creature you can see within 60 feet of you to make an attack roll, skill check, or saving throw at disadvantage, but only if the resulting failure resolves into something funny. The DM has final say on what constitutes funny for the purpose of this effect. Every time you use this feature, another page is added to Sassacre's book, describing your methods and situation in excruciating but accurate detail.

**Summon Harlequin.** Once per day, as an action, you can call on a spirit of trickery in a vessel of a jester to assist you for up to 1 hour or until it drops to 0 hit points. This spirit of trickery is a helmed horror, except that it does not have blindsight or spell immunity,

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has a Dexterity of 16 (+3), and has additional skills of Sleight of Hand +7 and Stealth +7.

The harlequin is friendly to you and your companions, and will act on your behalf so long as you do not besmirch Sassacre in its presence. If you do so, the harlequin will close the book and keep it shut permanently, banishing itself back into the book until another worthy person attunes.

**Trickster's Toolkit.** After reading Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery for 80 hours, you acquire a fraction of Sassacre's power. While holding the book, you may cast the following spells at will (spell save DC = 8 + your proficiency bonus + your Intelligence modifier): *darkness, disguise self, feather fall, grease, web, rope trick, smoke cloud* (as *fog cloud*), *mage hand* (with Arcane Trickster's Mage Hand Legerdemain), *vicious mockery.* You may also cast the following spells once per long rest: *confusion, crown of madness, hypnotic pattern.* When a creature fails a saving throw against spells cast using this feature, you gain a charge of Prankster's Gambit.

**Prankster's Gambit.** The tome can hold up to 3 charges of Prankster's Gambit. When you attempt a Charisma (Deception, Persuasion, or Performance) check, you may roll a d10 and add the number to your roll on the check, using the infuriating charm of a jokester to make others come to your side. In addition, if forced to make a saving throw to avoid possession or being charmed, you may expend a charge of Prankster's Gambit asa reaction to force the source of the effect to make a Dexterity saving throw (DC = 8 + your proficiency bonus + your Intelligence modifier) or be affected by something in the environment that humorously ruins the source's attempt to harm you, stopping the effect from occurring.

**Undiplomatic Immunity.** This is not an aspect inherent to the book itself, but rather its cultural significance. Any creature that holds onto this tome will find that authority figures are obsequious and friendly, as wherever the book goes, followers of Sassacre's footsteps go as well. Any harm done to the carrier of the book by a figure of authority will lead to their ironic death and a hilarious funeral at the hands of the angry public. Even the most courteous noble has their limit, however, and will eventually think the cost is worth the gain of removing you as a problem.

**Destroying the Book.** So long as Sassacre lives, the book is impossible to destroy. One must first kill the man in Limbo - a trying task as he has only increased in personal power and influence among the slaad - but even then that only unlocks its weakness. Only a creature that has never laughed or experienced a positive emotion in its life may harm the book after Sassacre's death, and may destroy it as easily as one may destroy any book.

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#### Fear No Anvil
*Weapon, (warhammer), legendary (requires attunement)*

The weapon wielded by the god Hephaestus, this warhammer is infused with time magic and is feared as a protracted death by any who survive the first hit.

You have a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls with this magic weapon. 4 times per long rest when you hit a creature with this weapon, you can cast *slow* on the creature you hit (save DC 19). In addition, once per short rest, you can cast *haste* on yourself as a bonus action while wielding this weapon, with no wave of lethargy afterwards.

Once per long rest with this weapon, you can cast *time stop.* While casting this spell, choose one creature to mark as your evil. When you cast *time stop,* the creature marked as your evil can be affected by all of your normal effects, but cannot act in turn, letting you attack the creature with impunity.

#### Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurysm Gush: 
*Wondrous item, uncommon*

A pack of 2d8 +6 blue hexagonal bipyramidal gummies, each glowing slightly. The pack warns of "Rockin fun with friends, cool dude congregations, dangerous dame dalliances, and powerful pal parties within!!!". As an action, you may consume a single Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurysm Gush and regain 1d4 hit points. Undead both corporeal and incorporeal may recover hit points in this manner, as well. After consuming these gummies, you have a vicious aftertaste of another creature's phlegm within your mouth for an hour. Creatures of a particularly campy kind that see you with a pack of hellacious blue phlegm aneurysm gush will tend to view you as a fellow cool dude, granting you advantage on Charisma (Persuasion) checks against them.

#### Ink of Squid Pro Quo
*Wondrous item, legendary*

A bottle of ink, unassuming but for the text written on it. In text that only a mortal that has seen abject brutality and death can read on its side reads "Ink of Squid Pro Quo". The bottle holds seemingly endless ink and does not drip when turned, and has no magical aura.

To use the ink effectively, you must have a quill made of the feather of a corvid which was pickled in a brine made of the cerebrospinal fluid of aberrations for a week. When this quill is used to write in Undercommon with the accents of Deep Speech, you may write the name of a great old one. The instant you do so, the great old one you invoke hears your words immediately and reads all that you have written. You must make a DC 14 Wisdom saving throw or suffer a short term madness on writing a great old one's name. Its attention is drawn to you and it will summon a servant of CR 16 or greater of the DM's choice as close to the paper on which the ink is as possible. This creature will speak with the authority of the great old one it represents and will not tolerate foolishness on your part, attacking with intent to kill if you do not provide a good reason for its summoning. The servant will also attempt to rob the ink from anyone who uses it in a manner that is unsatisfactory to the great old one it represents.

This interaction may grant quests, epic boons, charms, warlock pacts, or any other sort of benefit the DM desires, but one who accepts these gifts is marked permanently in some way that other people who have interacted with great old ones recognize immediately. Work with your DM to determine such a marking.

#### Matriorb 
*Wondrous item, legendary*

A gray egg, covered in yellow and orange spines, which holds within it a burgeoning potential for all life. The matriorb holds within itself a copy of the genetic information for every single species that has existed or does exist in the universe, from the most meek microbe to the mightiest titan. As new species become extant after the matriorb's creation, it will still have their genetic information regardless of how long after the matriorb's creation they became extant. Creatures that are not members of species, such as deities or created creatures such as constructs, cannot be created by this egg. In addition, you cannot create a specific members of a species, only an unpredictable member of the species that has not yet existed.

Over one minute, you can sacrifice a collection of material components worth 50,000 gp total that are thematically related to the desired creature in a ritual unique to the egg. This ritual must be sought out in a temple related to the matriorb's creation. Identify reveals the location of the temple at which this ritual's knowledge may be learned, but not the ritual itself. The egg will then start to develop that creature if it is halfway submerged in a solution of seawater for one month with no interruption at a constant temperature slightly below boiling. After that month, the creature will hatch from the egg. If this species is the last of its kind, two members of the species capable of reproducing will hatch instead, and their progeny will be heavily genetically diverse until 30 generations of birth have passed, at which point the preservation effect of the matriorb on the bloodline stops.

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#### Perfectly Generic Object
*Wondrous item, very rare*

8 5-foot light green cubes, with beveled edges and indestructible strength, these objects are generic beyond compare. But one can see just by looking at the objects that they brim with transmutative potential.

As an action, you can join the perfectly generic objects together into one 6-inch cube as long as the desired generic objects are touching one another. As another action, you can separate the objects into smaller cubes, making as many cubes as you desire so long as they have a total volume of 200 cubic feet or less.

At will, while holding a cube, you can cast fabricate on the cubes, treating them as any material you wish. The cubes will polymorph into any material desired, though the material the cube is made of must be capable of existing (e.g. no mercury that is solid at room temperature or stable isotopes with more than 83 protons). If damaged enough that the material should break, the perfectly generic object will revert to a cube of material in the space closest to the center of mass of the object it was made into.

#### Pogo Hammer
*Weapon (hammer), rare*

A warhammer, its head made of solid rubber. As an action while wielding this hammer, you may cast *jump* at will. In addition, if you deal more than 10 bludgeoning damage with a single attack from this warhammer, you may choose to be moved 5 feet in a direction away from your target, the hammer bouncing you backwards without provoking opportunity attacks. If this attack forces you into a creature's space or within 5 feet of a target, you may attack the target with the pogo hammer as a bonus action, dealing an extra damage die of damage with the hammer attack.

#### Remote Ghost Gauntlets
*Wondrous item, very rare (requires attunement)*

A set of gray gloves with black straps. They have a slight moist feeling when worn. As an action while wearing these gloves and with nothing in your hands, you may magically manifest two spectral blue hands, similar to mage hands, in a space within 60 feet. The hands cannot move more than 60 feet away from you, and will vanish if they are ever moved more than 60 feet away or you move over 60 feet away. These hands have a Strength of 22 (+6) and a Dexterity of 20 (+5), and can wield weapons or perform weapon attacks or unarmed strikes or grapples as if you are in the hand's space. It may also perform skill checks with hands. The hands do not occupy their space.

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While these hands are deployed, your hands are too occupied to cast spells that require somatic components, as manifesting the hands requires constant, minute, and deliberate movement. Any action taken with your real hands immediately dispels the remote ghost gauntlets The hands disappear if you are incapacitated or die.

#### sord...
*Wondrous item, very rare*

A blueprint for a sword so awful as to insult the concept of a sword by its close resemblance, this blueprint creates a weapon that is so terrible that you can barely even hold it. To look on it is to see wrongness, as this violation of the law of conservation of mass exists in front of you. Attempting to wield the sord... once you smith it is impossible as it is simply that bad, but what makes this item special is that in creating it, one makes, rather than consumes, material.

When you look at a sord..., you must make a DC 20 Wisdom saving throw or be charmed by the sord... While charmed, you are compelled to create more and more copies of the sord..., dedicating the next 24 hours exclusively to the manufacture of sord...s. As you craft the blueprint of the weapon, you will find yourself with twice the amount of raw material as what was used to create the sord... every time you complete one. Any attempt to determine the source of this new perfectly nonmagical (unless the original material is magical) material - even with truesight or through scrying - fails. You can be removed from this trance only by taking damage. If you succeed on the saving throw or finish being entranced by the sord..., you cannot be charmed by it until you finish a long rest. During this time, you smith enough sord...s to fill a 5 foot cube of space in your room every hour. If you are not forced to stop smithing, you will eventually fill up your entire room with sord...s, filling your space last. On filling your space, you will be at risk of suffocating, taking 2d6 damage from the collection of terrible swords around you at the start of your turn.

If multiple creatures fail the saving throw against the sord..., they will be hostile towards one another and attack each other. Taking damage from a creature charmed by the sord... doesn't remove a creature charmed by the sord... from its trance.

#### Thorns of Oglogoth
*Wand, legendary (requires attunement by a great old one warlock)*

A pair of needles, the shrunken skulls of tortured scholars bound to their blunt ends and a spiral of white and black traveling down to the sharp end.

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The weapons, on touch, activate the primal instincts in all creatures to run. Any sane adventurer would cast these weapons back into the hole they came from and destroy them as utterly as they can. Lucky for you, you're no sane adventurer.

On attunement, these two thorns whisper to you, as alien influences from the Far Realm take an interest in you. You understand and can speak Deep Speech. These wands have 30 charges, which replenish at the end of a long rest. You can spend these charges on the following spells:

*antilife shell* (5 charges), *arms of Hadar* (1 charge), *bestow curse* (3 charges), *black tentacles* (4 charges), *chill touch* (0 charges), *circle of death* (6 charges), *darkness*  (2 charges), *disintegrate* (6 charges), *eldritch blast* (4 beams, 0 charges), *hex* (1 charge), *hunger of Hadar* (3 charges).

**Curse.** The thorns have a curse undetectable by the *identify* spell. If you remain attuned to these wands for a week, you start to develop paranoia, certain that creatures are watching you. Sometimes, when you blink, eyes that aren't yours replace your true eyes, and others notice. Your fingers go clammy and have the texture of tentacles and your blood starts to bleed black, all features that persist until you personally and vocally rebuke the great old ones, breaking the curse and your attunement permanently. In addition, a great old one takes interest in you and starts delivering messages that only you are capable of reading by manipulating your environment subtly. The intent of this great old one is unknown, but certainly not benign, and it will telepathically whisper fragments of information that serve the dual purpose of guiding you in the desired direction and obscuring you from the undesirable truths. The wands are not sentient, but serve as a conduit for the great old one's thoughts.

#### Unreal Air
*Wondrous item, uncommon*

A small plane of wood to which four wheels are attached below it, this item has barely any room for someone to ride without being quite skilled. If you are alive and touch the unreal air, it will immediately float into the air at a rate of 60 feet a round for the next 24 hours. The unreal air can be stopped by objects being in its path, but will otherwise continue into the air regardless of the conditions of the air.

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#### Wrinklefucker
*Weapon (hammer), very rare*

An upgrade to the pogo hammer, this weapon combines the principles of a clothes iron with the ballistic force of a shotgun in its springs. You have a +2 bonus to attack and damage rolls with this magic weapon. The wrinklefucker has all of the properties of the pogo hammer, but deals an additional 1d6 fire damage with a successful hit as the weapon scalds any target it hits. In addition, when you jump while under the effects of *jump* cast by the wrinklefucker, all creatures within 5 feet of you takes 1d4 fire damage if you wish. A creature may take this damage only once per turn.

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> ##### Image Source
> **Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text:** https://www.homestuck.com/story/32
>
> **Matriorb:** https://www.homestuck.com/story/2336
>
> **Sord...** https://www.homestuck.com/story/4468
>
> **Wrinklefucker:** https://www.homestuck.com/images/storyfiles/hs2/01068_2.gif